Shifting Sand

“The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today
Is Christians who acknowledges Jesus with their lips
Then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle.
That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” -DC Talk

I had my chance…and I miserably failed. I thought I was that time, the defender of faith, the knight of the cross. I carried on my hand a double edge sword of truth ready to pierce that unrepentant heart.

Have you ever had a chance of meeting a self proclaimed atheist? They are ordinary people much the same with people who called themselves Christians. But once you get to hear that they are atheists, your curiosity arises. Your mind wonders on how they arrived in that belief. Have they been in a traumatic life experience that they have denied what most people believe. Your mind goes further and asks to whom do they call for help when everyone else has failed to aid them.

My heart tells me to pity them and my mind tells me to enlighten them. And so I looked at my bag of thoughts who Jesus is? What He has done? and what made me believe Him and to trust my everything to Him. In that split moment I mustered my courage and started to talk. I asked her “If you do not believe in God, then what do u believe in?” You can notice the sudden change on her face. Annoyed perhaps by my sudden excitement to question her belief. She just replied with a poker face and said “I just don’t care.”

What started to be a simple talk became a heated discussion. My initial feeling of pity was change to irritation. What my mind decided in the beginning on how to enlighten her was transformed to a desire to break her will. The argument has attracted some audience and it caused my will to defend my pride no matter what.

The battle ended in a stalemate. I kept my composure as much as I can but deep inside I was shaken to my core. My vicious pride emerged and undoubtedly people have seen it. I just made a fool of myself. I made a fool of my God.

My faith is like a shifting sand. My lips talks about Him but my lifestyle says otherwise. I talked about something I do not understand, that I thought I strongly believe in. If only, if only Christians today consistently stand on what they believe, what He has done and what He is asking us to do; to carry the cross He has laid before us as we walk together with Him.

With great humility, I made a decision. I shall carry that cross. I shall embark on a journey to find out what makes the difference in living in faith without giving up and giving in to the lust of this world. I know I may stumble and fall and sometimes I may make a fool of myself but I know He will remain faithful.

It was his Love that touched me. It was his selfless act of sacrifice. He gave his life so I may live. He was bruised because of my transgressions. He was wounded so I may be healed. What he did on the cross on that road to via delarosa should define my life.

Eternal Love is his greatest weapon. Its the magnet that attracts people towards him. Oh shame on me for proving to the world that I am not your follower. Forgive me my Lord. Help me change my ways. Teach me to be a vessel of your Love and a channel of your truth.

I do not fear anymore. I hate what I am today for this reason Im not afraid to trust You and be changed into something better than what I am now.

To the girl whom I have hurt because of my foolishness I ask for forgiveness.

May we all find the eternal truth about this life. Be at peace with yourself and with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

Almond Tree

“God seems to know exactly what you need and when you need it.”

It was an ordinary sleepless night. I found myself being drawn to a familiar place where I usually find comfort. When your body is used to do the things you always do, you lose the ability to think for your body and allows it to think for yourself. My heart and mind are in a chaotic disorder. My mind is telling me to be strong while my heart has already given up. Or perhaps, its the other way around. I am not sure anymore.

I am bothered by so many things. Things that I am not and things that I will never be. Ha! The irony of it. I usually compare myself to others that is why I have grown vain and bitter inside myself. Also I have this insane weakness in keeping my list full of the things that I will never gain even if I sacrifice everything I have. It just would not fit, maybe because it is not right. I tried to deviate from what I am and embrace a reality that I have played on my mind over and over again. But my spirit wont let me.

I was never like this as far as I can remember. I had a young spirit full of vigor and hope. I looked at my endeavors just like hills waiting to be conquered. But today, the hills become a never ending climb. I wonder what made me changed this way. Have I lost something so valuable and settled for rubbish? Why have I not noticed it sooner so I could have prevented it.

I have amount to nothing. The great days of my life are way far beyond my reach now. I have been so accustomed to failures and defeat that I can easily predict what will happen for the next few days of my life.

And then what seemed to be an ordinary acquaintance, proved to be something more. It was an old friend who saw me. He knows me well enough, the things that will make me tick. He bragged about his character in an online game while he moved his mouse with his right hand. Out of curiosity or perhaps just being civil I willingly gave my attention to what he wanted me to see. I was so good at these kind of games that it did not even catch my interest. “Nah, the graphics is way to low compared to my preference.” I just said in a monotone voice.

As I about to leave, he gently prodded his friend’s shoulder, looked at me and said, “hey I want you to meet my friend, Almond.” It was then I saw him. There was no sense of malice in his smile as he looked at me. There was something on this man that is different, that I just cant shake out of my mind.

I am the last person who believes in the meaning of friendship. That is why I made it on my own for the last years of my struggle with this so called Life. What you gain is not worth by what u might lose. I was a man full of pride. But it was his kindness that will electrify you. It was his innocence that will make you wonder what is really going on with his mind.

I am afraid to be judged. I am afraid to trust. I am afraid of being vulnerable, for I am a one-man island, and so goes on my long list of fears. But when I am with this person I know smile is my constant companion. Joy and laughter fill my lungs, as if I am back with my younger years. The difference is, now I have a friend.

Perhaps in my time of loneliness and agony I whispered to God that I needed a friend, but I do not remember since I cannot recall the last time I talked to Him. When people get depress the One person they turn to is God. But it is different how I handle my problems. When I sink to negativity and fears I run away from Him. Yet it was His steadfast Love that never abandoned me. Can I run and hide from Your eyes? If I say to You “Do not touch me,” can I prevent your healing hands to mend my broken heart. With Your magnificent wisdom, You can use even the wonders of your creation to uplift my weary soul. And that You, O Lord, has heard the cry of my heart and knows exactly what I needed…a friend.

For the longest time we were together we had our share of fun. But he was battered by problems and trials that will prove to be tough for him to handle alone. His relationship with his girlfriend has been in a rocky road for bit sometime and his studies suffered greatly.

What can I do? I see the direction his path leads him to. I can see my failures being relived again by him. I was burdened by his grief and confusion. I made a heart felt cry to the Lord that I will protect and help this person with my strength. Yes my strength, though it has been so long since I get to use that word but I am sure that it is the right thing to do.

I needed to change, to be better than what I am now if I wanted to help my friend. I am giving everything I can, it is a selfless act of compassion for a person who suffers. I wont let him be like me. I have recognized his great potentials and that seeing him sink in the mire clay of failure is unacceptable.

After the storm in his life has subsided, we owe it to God that we were able to see better days now. We have learned our lesson that everything should be in proper moderation. Now we walk towards fulfilling our dreams and discovering the purpose of this friendship that was planned by God.

What is funny and sad is for people to mark us as homos. It is easy for people to criticize what they do not understand. But as God as our witness, this friendship is sacred and I know it will be continually tested by time to bring the best out of it.

To the people who are afraid to trust and to share their lives because you cannot get over with your insecurities. Trust upon the Lord. He made you and He has a purpose in your Life. He wants you to be happy more than you will ever know. Look far to the distant road and you may see your friend prepared by God to help you with your life and like a tree should be nurtured and supported. As for me what do I see? I see an Almond tree.

Personal Legend

“[We] never realized that people are capable, at any time in their lives, of doing what they dream of.”-Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

The familiar feeling of guilt rushed in his heart after being awaken from a lustful dream. In this dream he saw himself enjoying what seemed to be a shameful act of perversion. Dreams, they say, can fly away the minute you wake up. But this one has stayed in his heart, for he was bothered by the sadness it has brought in him. Others say that sometimes dreams are the reflection of one’s true self. The hidden desires and suppressed emotions that only by dreaming can be unlocked. Thus it showed what he really was-sinful.

Time runs like a marathon and as it runs it changes things. His body was not that huge, when he was a boy. Now that he is a grown man, it is not only his body that has changed. Dreams too have changed. From a flashback of scenes from a whole day of playing with his friends; now that he has become a man, it was these lustful dreams that hunted his soul.

Unable to sleep, he decided to take a walk alone and see where his feet will take him. He followed the flickering lights of the light posts along the road side wall of Intramuros (built by Spaniards and the oldest district in the heart of Manila). There he found himself alone in front of his school. He looked for people that might pass by as he willingly embraced the silence. The light was enough to comfort his soul. He felt safe and confident that he can pray aloud. He enjoys speaking to his God like the way he speaks with people. Not a murmur but with a clear voice. He admits to himself that he cannot control his mind to wander when he is praying silently. And so he started conversing with God. Feeling much better looking at the moon-lit sky where clouds are moving with the cold wind.

Freeing himself of the guilt was his main concern so he begun to ask for forgiveness for the recurrent nightmares that he had had. As he moved back and forth, where the road is tinged by yellow rays of light, he begun to feel relieved and unburdened. “This is a good feeling” he mused to himself, and decided to continue. He talked with his God about his sadness, his joys and sorrows of the old days and what has become of him. Suddenly he noticed his school fence as he kept his pace. It triggered his mind to remind him of the bad memories of his past. They had rushed in his mind like a mighty river. He felt drowned by the thoughts and heartaches he felt all at once. Again his spirit was broken. He bitterly wept to his God and said aloud “I am stubborn and for that I have spent 7 years of my life here without accomplishing anything!” His deep agony encouraged him more, “I know it is not what I can do now that is important, but what You can do through me!” Tears were running down his face as he uttered these words. Alas, he felt somehow tired after reminiscing his past failures in life.

As he walked back to his place ready to lay down and rest, two rugged little boys blocked his path. He remembered them as beggars who he treats for food from time to time; when he has money to spare and sometimes when he feels like to, either moved by compassion or perhaps social responsibility.

He remembered that he has no money in his pocket and completely sure within himself of what these beggars will ask him for-food. In the back of his mind he knew it will be troublesome to go back just to get some money in order to feed them. He was half ready to change his direction when the two boys had caught with him.

Sounded worried and in pain, one of the boys said “Kuya dalhin mo naman ako sa hospital” as he stretched his arm for him to see. There he saw a bloody wound that has swelled up and resembled a huge lump. There was a course of blade that was evidently ran along it. “I was trying to cut myself with a knife to get the piece of stick that was left inside, but the enormous pain wont let me do so,” the boy said. The man was momentarily shocked and repeated in his mind the horror he has just heard; that this little child was trying to cut himself with a blade which was probably deformed and rusted.

His heart was melted. He was halfheartedly ready to evade them thinking they will ask for food. That he, who was fed by God so faithfully, was ready to deny these two boys a decent meal. He was reminded of his prayer. How he had asked God to use him for His purpose. That he would be taken away from his usual defeated life and be changed to a man who can bring a change in this world. Silently he rued the moment he became selfish.

As fast as he asked for forgiveness a new Spirit enveloped him. Reassuring that he is within the Hand that guides his life and the same Hand that guides the rest of history. He was doing the will of God. That it was not an accident that he was awake during that time of the night and that these two boys were looking for someone to aid them. That he can do everything through God who strengthens him.

“Maktub” meaning It is Written.

He asked for his friend named Hezy to accompany him and bring the two boys to the nearest Hospital after being rejected by a Private hospital within the walled district. They went to a public one and asked a surgeon if she can do something with it. “We need to perform an operation” she replied with a tiresome look in her eyes. “Do what you must” he said. “But is the boy prepared for any possible pain?” she added.

He looked at the boy and asked what the surgeon wanted to know. “I cut my arm did I not?” the boy replied trying to muster a vague smile. The operation proceeded as planned and was a success.

After some inquiries by the doctor, they learned how the two little boys and him met and how the child was wounded in the first place. “I was stabbed by my younger brother out of rage against me” he said with a sadness in his face. “Cheer up I am gonna talk to your younger brother but you need to ask for an apology since your the one who is older.” he immediately said. The boy smiled and nodded cheerfully.

The surgeon name was Dr. Resurrecion, she was amazed by the kindness that the two graced upon the little boys. The news spread fast since the room was pact with so many people. By understanding the common language of the soul, not with words, but with great humility he knew that the people were liberated from the negativity and evil of this world even for that given time. With that little act of random kindness, everyone felt believing again in the goodness of people. A new Spirit of dedication was revitalized in the souls of the physicians, they can smile now even with the continues flow of people in need of aid. All things are one.

The man who was bothered by his lustful dreams suddenly remembered that once he also dreamed of helping people who are unfortunate and robbed of so many good things in life. Realizing that though he believes that dream is a reflection of his hidden desires, it is also the language of God to tell him about his Personal Legend. He felt his heart was glad.

If you let that Hand guide you. God will extend your territory. You will live your dreams today and not tomorrow, one step at a time. If you can be trusted with little things God will entrust to you greater things in the future. The Dream lives on.

A Lesson from a Cockroach

“It’s the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary” -Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist

For the past few hours I have been mindful of the next blog piece that I will write. The collective thoughts that are gathering in my mind appear to be like a wind blowing in all directions. But like a wind, there is no doubt that these ideas are capable of moving a person that is why I keep them in my bag of thoughts worthy to ponder over and over again. But the unseen Hand has its own mysterious ways in realizing our noble cause in the most unexpected ways.

While looking at my fingers, my mind kept on wondering whether they can give me the first lines of what I should write. Time went still. Out of nowhere a cockroach flew in the midst of the room. Pestering us with its elusive maneuvering as it hid it-self underneath a bed. Hezy, one of my room mate, decided to get a broom with the intention of getting rid of the menace-permanently. “You can’t kill it by that. Spray it with an insecticide.” delivering my words in a form of suggestion. Yet Hezy remained focused on the use of the broom as if he has mastered the arts of killing a cockroach using it. Thus I decided to prove my point by getting the sprayer myself.

After a moment of waiting, at last the source of annoyance has revealed itself and flew on top of the curtain. With haste I immediately sprayed the liquid over and over again in the area where it lingers as it desperately attempted to pull an escape once more. When everything was over, Almond, who seemed to enjoy watching our struggle against the ill-fated insect, said “You can’t be in the military, you shoot randomly without aiming first.” his words were accompanied with laughter.

I was both surprised and a little bit irritated by the blatant remark. But then suddenly I felt the wind blew in one direction. Humbled by the way the Hand has thought me, the idea became crystal clear. “That’s it!” I will write about the cockroach. Puzzled by what I said, they were eager to know what can a wannabe writer learn from an encounter with an insect. I just said “You need to wait until tomorrow to read it” in an effort to whet their curiosity.

“I suppose there is no one of you who has not thought more or less about the great Rabbi. He spake as never man spake. I should like to bring you to the mountain-side, that we might listen to the words as they fell from his gently lips. He used just to hang truth upon anything. Yonder is a sower, a fox, a bird and He just gathers the truth around them, so that you cannot see a fox, a sower, or a bird, without thinking what Jesus said.

He makes the little sparrow chirping in the air preach to us. How the little ones love his sermons. And yet how profound He was; how He puzzled the wise men; how the scribe and the Pharisees would never fathom him! Oh! do you think that He was a wonderful preacher?”

His words will teach us to view life through the eyes of a child. Unattached from the pride of life and not blinded by the corruption of men. Only in this way, can the ordinary becomes extraordinary. I am honored to meet some people who have not lost their sense of innocence. They remain a rarity of this world and though God has no favorites, these men and women can easily capture His heart. Only those who have childlike hearts can understand his teachings. Have you lost your childlike heart? Have you surrendered to the lust and perversion of this sinful world. That your heart is in constant agony of living a mechanical life, a life that goes on and on without a sense of adventure and purpose. Is your spirit battered by the constant cruelty of men and their broken promises? Are you burdened with the things that are not His own doing?

Take courage! Retrace the path back into His arms through repentance and complete surrender. In Him you can find refuge and peace. He will cloth you with a white garment. Spotless and as white as snow. You will be blameless at His sight. Joy will be your strength and reverence will guard your heart. Bring back the child in you. Who easily trust and do not take the time to weigh what he might lose in surrendering to the Author of Life. He will gift you with wisdom that will enable you to learn from the simplest of all creations.

As for me, the encounter with a cockroach reminded me of how I carelessly shoot on the things that I want to achieve on my life without first aiming and understanding my target (goal). I am the one who chose the target and I am responsible for it. Always regard it with proper respect and dignity; and to know what it means and how much effort, training and intuition required on my part to succeed.

NOTE: Italic bold sentences are excerpt from the sermon of Dwight L. Moody, What think Ye of Christ?

Canvas of Love

“The best is yet to come” he said to himself while his right hand let go of his brush.

If a man is gifted even just one of the many talents that the heavens can grace, painting was his forte. Creating a single portrait or a large canvas did not matter to him. For no task was too great for the master artist. He was sought by many, both rich and famous, just to have their portraits done. For many years the works of his hands have allowed him to fill his stomach and gave him a decent home that he can call his own.

“There by the river south from here you can find the man that you are seeking, my lord” said the shepherd while looking down at the ground and slightly bowing to a dominant figure in front of him. He was more afraid of this man than the rest of the many soldiers who stood at his back. After hearing what the old peasant had said, the man wearing a bronze breast plate and a flowing crimson cape on his back, gazed upon the pointed direction. He no longer cast a second glimpse of interest at the shepherd. The area was swirling with dust after the riders took off. The shepherd was thankful and felt relieved that his life was spared. He knew that they were warriors of a foreign land and men like them often do not show mercy.

The place was ever so old and simple. Dusk was falling when they arrived down the river where the house of the painter stood. Looking around he saw an old man seating by his chair as if in the midst of contemplating. The general did not waste any moment and dared to disturb the old painter from his meditation. “Are you the man who can preserve the very essence of a person through the wonders of his hands?”intentionally letting his voice be loud thinking that the old man’s hearing maybe failing.

“There is no power given to men that can bestow immortality through his creations. Go away leave this old man in peace.” he signaled the men to depart.

But the general was not easily swayed by the old man’s rude gesture. If a warrior knew one thing it is persistence that decides one’s victory over things.

Old man, I have traveled far and long. I am regarded as a wise man by many. My will was constantly tested by warfare and struggles. My sword has been continually sharpened by the blood of my enemies and my loyal men are my constant companions. In this way I have found out the very meaning of life.

“We live for an instant, only to be swallowed in complete forgetfulness and the void of infinite time on this side of us.” “Think how many ere now, after passing their life in implacable enmity, suspicion, hatred… are now dead and burnt to ashes.” Everything will be turned in absolute oblivion, even legends. “Of the life of man the duration is but a point, its substance streaming away, its perception dim, the fabric of the entire body prone to decay, and the soul a vortex, and fortune incalculable, and fame uncertain.”

“In a word all things of the body are as a river, and the things of the soul as a dream and a vapor; and life is a warfare and a pilgrim’s sojourn, and fame after death is only forgetfulness.” ‘Everything existing “is already disintegrating and changing… everything is by nature made but to die.” ‘

“The length of one’s life is irrelevant, for look at the yawning gulf of time behind thee and before thee at another infinity to come. In this eternity the life of a baby of three days and the life of a Nestor of three centuries are as one.” ‘To desire is to be permanently disappointed and disturbed, since everything we desire in this world is “empty and corrupt and paltry.” “That is why I persecuted those who regarded themselves as Christians for spreading madness about eternal life after death.”

For Marcus Aurelius, death was desirable, because it would make an end to all desires. The old man stayed silent.“Tomorrow you shall give me immortality or you shall taste my blade” the general said no more.

The horizon was dawning. The old man woke up early to prepare his wooden palette and searched for his remaining assortment of colors. The general was ecstatic to see that the old man has bent to his will. Three hours passed and Marcus Aurelius was eager to see the very mirror of himself. Forever preserved in a canvas made by the greatest painter of his time.

The moment he laid eyes on the canvas, the general burst in a total fury. There in front of him two broad strokes that appeared to be an image of the cross. Written below it are the words “Eternity is secured for Love was crucified.”

The enraged soldier quickly drew his sword and plunged it against the old man’s flesh. With a smile the painter uttered to himself, “the best is yet to come.” His right hand let go of the brush as he fell to the ground and breath his last.

NOTE: The view of Marcus Aurelius is an excerpt from his work,Meditations written in Greek while in a campaign between 170 to 180.